


Poetry and Strawberries

by OhanaHoku



Series: Poetry and Strawberries AU [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Magic Reveal, F/M, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Merlin Can Juggle, Merlin Needs a Hug (Merlin), Merlin and Freya feels, Merlin-centric (Merlin), Poetry, Protective Gaius, Protective Gwaine (Merlin), Protective Gwen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2020-05-31 16:34:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19429864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhanaHoku/pseuds/OhanaHoku
Summary: Arthur wants entertainent for the knights... in the form of Merlin reciting poetry. But will the poem Merlin recites reveal more about the warlock than he means to let on?





	1. A Need for Entertainment

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Smcstrav](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smcstrav/gifts).



> So, I've recently started watching Merlin and I'm working my way through the last season now. But as a poet and a fan of Merlin, I just had to start writing after Season 5 Episode 3 when Merlin tells Leon that he's teaching Arthur poetry. Also, this story is gifted to Smcstrav, whose stories are absolutely incredible and awe-inspiring. If you don't know who that is, check out their page! They have awesome fanfics about Merlin. I'd reccomend Harmony, it's my favorite and it's beautiful.
> 
> Anyway, there are no TWs for this chapter, but be aware the story's rating may change to Teen & Up later. Enjoy!

The battle was a long, weary one. A fight that left soldiers aching, that is, the ones who were still alive. Glad to be home safely with his wife, King Arthur invited his most trusted men to have dinner with them.

The Knights of the Round Table gathered, along with Gaius and Merlin, to enjoy a feast and good company as they celebrated their victory. Merlin sank down into his chair at the table, the original one that they’d brought back with them after Morgana was defeated.

This was one of the few times were Merlin could sit with the others instead of standing by at attention, ready to serve Arthur or the nobles at the wave of a hand. The young man was glad for the short reprieve, having fought a battle of his own with the mythical beast that had been terrorizing the villages on the outskirts of Camelot.

Of course, no one knew how much Merlin had intervened on their behalf, nor how he had gained some bruises of his own as he delivered their salvation from the beast. Even now as Merlin sat down at the table, his back ached, causing him to hold himself gingerly in place and dread the coming hours where he’d have to move again.

But for now, he could relax.

  
Or so he thought.

Gwen looked around at those gathered at the table, her eyes pausing for a moment on the empty seat Lancelot used to sit in. But she didn’t dwell on the feeling of loss for long, her eyes raking over the men, taking in their tired faces and the injuries a few of them sustained, namely a broken arm for Leon, a minor head wound for her brother, Elyan, and a flesh wound on Arthur’s left arm.

Though their efforts had been fruitful, it seemed that everyone was having a hard time celebrating after the long battle and the weary journey home. Even Merlin was quiet as opposed to his usual cheery chatter when they gathered at the round table.

The new queen sighed softly, attracting her husband’s attention. “Is there something wrong, my love?” He asked, reaching over to grab her hand gently.

She smiled warmly at him and shook her head. “Of course not.” She answered, squeezing his hand gently. “I was just wishing we had some way of entertaining you after your battle.”

The king smiled back at her before taking another sip of wine from his goblet. His wife was right, the knights needed something to amuse them after what they’d gone through. He glanced over at Merlin and smirked as a mischievous idea came to mind.

“You know, you’re absolutely right.” He stated loudly. “What we all need is some entertainment.” He announced. “Merlin, why don’t you do that juggling act of yours?”

The young warlock’s shoulders slumped as he was called on, Gwen noticing the dismay on his face. “No, Arthur, Merlin, you don’t have to. I’m sure you’re tired as well from traipsing around after Arthur.”

Merlin went to answer, but Arthur beat him to it. “Nonsense, he’s fine. Aren’t you, Merlin?” He pointedly asked.

Once more, Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but Sir Leon’s voice was heard first. “Arthur, why don’t you recite us some poetry instead?” He asked, a slight smirk playing on the usually serious man’s face.

“Poetry?” That got Gwaine’s attention, the carefree knight leaning forward in interest. “Why, Arthur, you never told us you liked poetry.”

The king cleared his throat, “Um, yes, well…”

Merlin smiled a little to himself as Arthur struggled, the monarch’s face turning a light shade of red.

“Merlin’s been teaching him, isn’t that right, Merlin?” Leon said, the conversation having drawn the other’s attention by then.

“Hm?” Merlin hummed, looking over as he was addressed. “Oh, um, yes. That’s right.” He glanced at Arthur and Gwen before smiling as a brilliant excuse came to mind. “For Gwen. Arthur wanted to learn some for Gwen.”

Guinevere turned to look at Arthur, “Really?” She asked, touched that her husband would do that for her.

Arthur nodded, grateful for the out from Merlin. “Of course.”

“Then let’s hear some.” Gwen urged.

Arthur blinked, looking suddenly like a cornered animal. “Now?” He asked.

“Yes! Oh please, Arthur,” Gwen pleaded. “I would so love to hear you recite something.”

Percival laughed. “Well, don’t leave your wife waiting, Arthur.”

Arthur glanced at the man, frowning. He bit the inside of his cheek, trying to think of a way out of the mess he’d gotten himself into. No, that Merlin got him into.

“Yes, well, I’m afraid I haven’t any poems memorized just yet.” He stated, wincing inwardly as Gwen’s smile faded. “But I’m sure Merlin could recite for us.” He added, relaxing as Gwen’s smile came back.

Merlin’s eyes widened. “What? No, no, I really don’t think I can.” He said, shaking his head.

“Please, Merlin?” Gwen asked, smiling warmly to him.

“I don’t… I can’t…”

“Of course you can,” Arthur said, turning to the man on his right. He gave the servant a look that clearly said he had no choice. “You’re not scared to recite in front of everyone, are you, Merlin?” He taunted.

Merlin bristled a little at the taunt and pasted a smile on his face. “Of course not, Sire.”

The young warlock straightened in his chair, clearing his throat as everyone settled in to listen. But the problem was he didn’t know any poems, aside from one he’d written years ago.

A poem he’d written for a young girl. A girl named Freya.


	2. He Was Once in Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as Merlin spoke, those around the table were drawn in. It was like magic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited to be updating this! It hasn't even been a week since the first update. I'm pretty sure that's a record for me! Thank you all for the encouraging comments and kudos on the last chapter! Hope you enjoy! \\(^.^)/ TWs: Mention of past minor character death.

Merlin glanced around at the others gathered around the table. At his friends. Friends who really knew so little about him. They wouldn’t connect the dots between himself and the poem, would they? He hoped not.

“Um, sorry, just gotta think of how it starts.” He murmured. No, he wasn’t stalling for time. Well, okay, maybe he was stalling for time. The warlock wiped his sweaty palms against his pants and took a deep breath, calming himself down. He could do this.

He closed his eyes for a brief moment and when he opened them…

_ “I was once in love,” _

As soon as Merlin spoke, those around the table were drawn in. It was like magic. Merlin’s voice was so soft. Softer than any of them had ever heard before. It was quiet, almost a whisper, something that could be carried away by the slightest breeze.

_ “To a young girl fair and sweet, _

_ I swear when I first saw her, _

_ My heart skipped a beat.” _

Gwen smiled at the words, imagining Arthur reciting those words about her. She moved to grab her husband’s hand as they listened.

_ “She had long, brown hair, _

_ And eyes as dark as night, _

_ Just to see her smile…” _

__ Merlin’s voice trailed off with this line, a tender look coming into his eyes. A hint of a smile tugged at the corners of his lips as he continued.

_ “She was beautiful in the candlelight.” _

__ Gwaine leaned forward as he watched Merlin, who was staring into the candles in the center of the table. His voice had changed with that last line, still just as soft, but with a thread of honest emotion behind his words.

_ “She told me of her home, surrounded by the tallest mountains, _

_ Next to a lake where winter storms whipped up the waves,” _

Gaius leaned back in his seat as Merlin mentioned a lake, realization hitting him as he remembered the story of the druid girl Merlin had met all those years ago.

_ “But in the summer, wildflowers and light. _

_ The perfect place to live out your days.” _

__ Percival smiled, the mention of wildflowers reminding him of his childhood home. The strong, but kind-hearted knight used to sit on the edge of a meadow filled with flowers every spring after the snow melted.

_ “I said I’d bring her strawberries, _

_ But I could only find a rose of red,” _

__ There was a laugh in Merlin’s voice as he said that line, as though this was something that had actually happened to him, Elyan thought. He tilted his head some, listening more closely as he considered the possibility.

_ “And when we shared our first kiss, _

_ A single tear of joy was shed.” _

__ Such a simple line, but it was enough to make Leon’s chest feel warm. Though the knight was known as the serious one, he was secretly a hopeless romantic.

_ “I’d never met anyone like her, _

_ And I’m sure I never will again, _

_ So I offered her my heart, _

_ And she holds it now as she did then.” _

At this line, Merlin’s voice changed, turning away from the fond reminiscing to grieving remembrance. Arthur’s eyes widened as he heard the change. That’s when it hit him that Merlin was reciting, not just a poem picked at random, but one that he had written. It was the emotion that gave him away. Arthur had never heard that soft, tender tone in Merlin’s voice, but now…

Now his voice was sharpened by sadness, deep sorrow that Arthur had heard before. When Merlin spoke of the dragon’s raid against the city, when he spoke of the father that he’d never met, or when Merlin mentioned Morgana’s name. This was real to Merlin, this wasn’t just a story. It was a memory.

_ “I asked her to run away with me, _

_ Flee somewhere we were not known, _

_ With mountains, a few fields, wildflowers, a couple of cows, _

_ And a lake, somewhere to call our own.” _

__ Arthur’s breath caught for the slightest moment. Merlin was going to run away. Had this happened during his time in Camelot?

_ “She wanted that more than anything, _

_ And so did I.” _

Merlin’s voice was changing once more. No longer was his voice soft. No longer was his tone wistful. Sorrow twisted into anguish as he grew louder, his tone sharpened with anger.

_ “But fate wrote our destinies long ago, _

_ It wasn’t for us to decide.” _

__ The king stiffened as Merlin turned to look at him while he spoke the last line, the servant’s eyes glittering with hatred that Arthur had never seen before. Merlin’s voice was pointedly bitter, leaving a sour taste in Arthur’s mouth as the young man glared at him with such emotion that Arthur was nearly scared for his well-being.

If there had been any doubt in anyone’s mind that Merlin had written this poem, it was gone now. Only genuine heartache could spark such emotion as that in Merlin’s voice.

But the fight drained out of Merlin rather quickly as he went on, his shoulders slumping as though the heavy weight of anguish in his voice was too much for him to hold. His gaze slid from Arthur, settling at an indiscernible point on the table.

_ “My one true love was dying, _

_ And there was nothing I could do, _

_ So I dressed her in the finest gown, _

_ And carried her to a lake I knew.” _

__ Gwaine startled as Merlin’s voice started to shake, his lip’s trembling slightly. What had his friend gone through? Had he been alone? “Merlin…”

The man didn’t even hear him. By now, Merlin was so wrapped up in his poem that he didn’t even realize how much his emotions were betraying him.

_ “We sat along the shore, _

_ And she told me she felt loved, _

_ But I was powerless to save her, _

_ My love was not enough.” _

__ Gwen covered her mouth as a silent tear dripped down her cheek. She gripped Arthur’s hand tighter, her husband returning the firm pressure.

_ “So I lost the one I loved, _

_ And held her as she died,” _

__ Merlin’s eyes were shining brightly now with unshed tears, his fists clenched under the table as he relived the memory.

_ “I sat with her for hours, _

_ I just sat there and cried.” _

__ One by one, Merlin’s tears began to fall, the man’s face twisted miserably with grief.

_ “I lined a boat with ferns, _

_ And laid her down to rest, _

_ She looked just like a princess, _

_ In the gown she was dressed.” _

__ Percival was looking around at the others now, growing deeply concerned for his friend, but unsure if they should do anything to stop what was happening.

Merlin’s face was streaked with tears now, his voice once more quiet and soft. He was the perfect picture of heartbreak.

_ “I pushed the boat into the water, _

_ Small waves rippling in its wake,” _

__ Merlin opened his mouth for the next line, but all that came out was a quiet breath. His head dropped, the man inhaling shakily. He closed his eyes for the briefest moment before lifting his head to stare at the table again. No one dared to breathe a word.

_ “Then the ferns caught on fire, _

_ And she burned out on the lake.” _

__ A collective gasp was heard around the table, Merlin’s friends shocked at what he had gone through. There was not a single dry eye among them.

Gaius closed his eyes, remembering the heartbroken look on Merlin’s face when he’d come back that morning. He hadn’t realized just how much Merlin had gone through that day. And all alone… How difficult it must have been for the young lad.

_ “I did not want her to go, _

_ And I’m sure she didn’t want to leave,” _

Merlin’s voice cracked as he remembered the look of fear in her eyes right before they had closed for the last time. For all that she assured him things work out, that she was at peace with dying, Merlin knew that she was terrified. That she’d put on a brave face for his sake.

_ “But fate wrote our destinies long ago,” _

That line. That line, which had before been spoken with such bitterness and anger, was now only filled with despair. As if…

_ “And to it we all concede.” _

_ …  _ As if Merlin had lost all hope.

The room was all at once too quiet, filled only with Merlin’s low, heaving breaths. Then suddenly, the servant seemed to come back to himself, eyes snapping up to scan the shocked faces of his friends.

His heart beating double time in his chest, Merlin pushed himself away from the table, standing up so fast that he nearly tripped over his own feet. “I…” He swallowed anxiously, wiping at his face with his sleeve.

He went to speak before pressing his lips together and just shaking his head. Without a word, the warlock ran from the room.

No one moved to go after him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count - 1484. If anyone is interested in reading the poem in full, without all the paragraphs between them, I'm posting that as a seperate work once this is uploaded. Also, this was not the original poem I had for this. I had another one, which in my opinion wasn't as good as this one, and it was way too revealing for Merlin, but I'm going to post that one as well if anyone wants to check it out!


	3. Merlin...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur watched as his manservant left the room, his chest aching profusely. How had he never known?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, everyone! I want to thank you all for the wonderful comments and kudos you gave me with the last chapter. They are so appreciated! Thank you! Italics in this chapter are things Merlin said and bold italics are Arthur's thoughts.
> 
> No trigger warnings for this chapter.

_ I was once in love… _

**_When?_ **

_ ...So I offered her my heart… _

**_Who was she?_ **

_ ...My one true love was dying... _

**_How did she die?_ **

_ ...So I lost the one I loved... _

**_Why didn’t you tell me?_ **

_ ...And laid her down to rest... _

**_I could have been there for you._ **

_ ...And she burned out on the lake... _

**_Like you were for me._ **

_ ...Fate wrote our destinies long ago. _

**_Merlin…_ **

Arthur watched as his manservant left the room, his chest aching profusely. How had he never known?

The king discreetly wiped some unmanly tears from his eyes. He had to go after Merlin. He had to comfort him. Or maybe interrogate him. He wasn’t quite sure yet. Was it possible to do both at once? He didn’t know, but he couldn’t just sit there. He had to find Merlin.

No sooner than he stood, he sank back down into his chair, the sharp blade of a sword held against his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count - 160. This is officially the shortest chapter I've ever published on here. But I wanted to upload sooner and this cliff hanger seemed like the perfect place to do it! Also, I hope you enjoyed the small look into Arthur's thoughts as he listened to the poem. So, whose sword is it? Are Arthur and the others in trouble from yet another threat to the kingdom? Stay tuned to find out!


	4. A Protective Knight and an Angry Wife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I didn’t do anything to Merlin,” Arthur repeated, breathing shallowly as any minuscule movement could cause the sharp blade to pierce his skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter! Yes! I'm breaking so many of my own records with this story. I think it's currently my favorite that I'm writing. Anyway, thank you all so much for the kudos and comments on the last chapter! I kept me motivated to deliver a longer chapter before I left this weekend for a mini vacaction where I won't have access to my laptop. I hope you enjoy this chapter and please keep the comments and kudos coming! ^_^

Arthur followed the line of the blade up to the fierce eyes of one his most trusted knights. “Gwaine,” He said slowly, “Just what do you-”

“Shut up!” Gwaine snapped, eyes burning with rage as he glared at his king. “What did you do to him?” He asked. His voice was cold as the steel against Arthur’s throat. He pressed the blade against his neck a little more as the only answer he got was a blank look, raising his voice. “Well?! What did you do to Merlin?!”

Arthur raised his hands in a placating gesture as the other knights started to stand, their hands going to the hilts of their swords. “I didn’t do anything to Merlin, Gwaine.”

Gwaine shook his head. “You’re lying! I saw the way he looked at you. You did something to him, and you’re going to tell me what!” He insisted.

Leon had drawn his own sword by then, ready to defend the man he’d pledged his loyalty to. “You will step away from our king, Sir Gwaine.” He ordered, pointing his own blade at the common-born knight’s throat.

Gwaine’s eyes flickered to the sword at his throat, but he didn’t waver. “Not until he tells me what he did to Merlin.”

“I didn’t do anything to Merlin,” Arthur repeated, breathing shallowly as any minuscule movement could cause the sharp blade to pierce his skin. “I swear, Gwaine. I have no idea what that was about just now.”

Gwaine pursed his lips, his brow furrowing as he stared hard at him. He could tell Arthur was telling the truth, but was still unwilling to let the matter go. His friend had looked so heartbroken, so devastated… He couldn’t just let Arthur off the hook if he was responsible, could he?

Percival gingerly laid a hand on Gwaine’s shoulder, his sword still attached to his hip. “Gwaine, back down. Arthur clearly doesn’t know anything. Merlin is the one who needs your attention right now.” He reasoned, calming his friend down enough for Gwaine’s sword to fall away from Arthur’s throat.

The man’s rage had faded somewhat, but not entirely. He stepped up as his king stood, jabbing at his chest with his finger. “You had better figure this out, Princess.” He warned, eyes still glittering with anger.

He shoved Arthur back a bit with his finger before stalking off, sheathing his sword as he went after Merlin.

Arthur shook his head as Leon asked if the angry knight should be monitored. “He’s just upset. He won’t do anything.” He told him, frowning as he pondered over Gwaine’s last words. How could he figure something out when he knew nothing about it? What was he responsible for? Was he in fact responsible? Or was it just an inaccurate assumption on Gwaine’s part?

Arthur didn’t even understand how he could possibly have hurt Merlin. His poem was all about some girl, Arthur wasn’t mentioned at all. How could he have been involved in something he didn’t know anything about?

“Gaius?” Gwen’s voice gently broke Arthur from his thoughts, the king looking over to his wife as the queen knelt on the floor in front of the court physician.

Tears ran down her face as she gripped Gaius’ hands. “Gaius, please, you must know something about this. Please, we have to help Merlin, Gaius.” She pleaded.

Arthur knew what to do then, stepping toward his oldest friend, to the man who had known him since he was a babe. “Gaius, if you know anything about this, I command you to tell us.”

The old man, who had stared down at his lap, lifted his head then to look at the king. His face was streaked with drying tears that he’d shed for his young ward, yet somehow he still managed to look reproachful and dignified at the same time. “I’m afraid this is a matter you should discuss with Merlin, Sire.” He said, quirking a single eyebrow at the king.

When Arthur said nothing, Gaius took it as an answer to his unspoken challenge and stood, bowing his head respectfully. “If you’ll excuse me, Sire.” He said before leaving, intending to find Merlin. What his ward needed right now was not a brash knight insisting on answers so he could bash in the head of whoever was responsible, but someone who knew his secret. Someone who could comfort him without needing to speak of what happened.

Those left in the room stared after the physician as he left, none of them sure what to do. Percival glanced at Arthur. “Should we go after Merlin too?” He asked, unsure if they should give the man some space or not.

Arthur sighed, glancing over at Gwen as she was helped back to her feet by her brother. “It’s no use for all of us to go after him. I’m sure Gaius and Gwaine can handle this for now.” He answered, going over to put an arm around the queen. “You’re all dismissed.”

Gwen looked up at her husband as the knights left. “Arthur, you have to go after Merlin.” She told him, blinking away the tears in her eyes.

Arthur sighed as he started to lead her from the room. “What good would come of that, Gwen? I don’t even know what this is about. Gaius and Gwaine are better choices to go after Merlin.”

Gwen shook her head, pulling away from Arthur then to stand defiantly in front of him. “No. No, it has to be you.” She demanded.

He groaned as she argued, rubbing wearily at his face. “And just why does it have to be me?” He asked, looking back at her.

She faltered for a moment, allowing Arthur to try walking past her. She was quick to grab his arm. “I don’t know! It’s just… a feeling, Arthur. Please. I really think he needs you right now.” She pleaded.

Arthur exhaled. “Gwen-”

“No, Arthur. I won’t hear of it. You’re going to find him. As queen I order it!” She said, standing up as straight as possible, hands hanging at her sides instead of indignantly placed on her hips, just as Merlin had taught her.

_ ‘No one is going to respect a queen who reminds them of a scolding mother when she’s giving commands, Gwen.’ _

He’d have been proud to see how she held herself then, looking every bit the queen that she was, save for a single tear that lingered upon her right cheek.

Arthur frowned some, looking a little offended. “I’m the king, you can’t order me around.” He said, trying to reassert his authority.

Gwen’s eyes narrowed into thin slits, her hands finally coming to rest on her hips as she leaned forward some, looking for all the world like the angry wife she was. “Fine. Then I order it as your wife. And I can promise you, Arthur Pendragon, if you don’t do as I say than it’ll be a rather long, cold winter.” She threatened, raising one eyebrow slightly to make sure he understood the underlying meaning of her words.

By how his eyes widened in alarm, she guessed her meaning had gotten across. Her husband was quick to nod and hurry off to find his servant. She wiped the last tear from her face and nodded in approval as she headed to bed.

_ He’s coming, Merlin. He’s coming. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count - 1228. Heh heh heh. Ah, I loved writing this scene, poor Arthur, he's so lost. So now it's a race, who will find Merlin first? His guardian, the knight, the king, or possibly an unknown character that could have a crucial part in the story?! None can say, well, you know, except for me, but I can't spoil it yet! Or have I already? I guess you'll just have to stick around to find out!


	5. Search for a Warlock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They all had questions concerning Merlin and his poem, but the most important question? Where was Merlin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes! Here I am with another new chapter! You ready to find out who finds Merlin first? Good, but first I want to thank everyone for the comments and kudos on the last chapter! I also want to inform you guys that I'm writing another Merlin fic. It's a crossover with Humans and I'd love it if you guys gave a read! It's called We Were Made to Feel and it's essentially my rewrite of Merlin with added characters from Humans.
> 
> Anyway, enough promoting my new story. I hope you enjoy this chapter! No TWs.

Gwaine stalked angrily out of the room, determined to find his friend. Merlin had looked so heartbroken. It was not a look that he liked seeing on Merlin’s face. Merlin was the one who always had a smile on his face. No matter how bleak their situation seemed, Merlin would have inspiring words of hope, a smile to lift their spirits, and a joke to ease the tension.

Except… That wasn’t true, was it? At least, not recently. Gwaine paused, thinking about it. Merlin had seemed different recently. He was still Merlin, but lately, he tended to look on the negative side of things instead of looking for the silver lining. He didn’t snark back at Arthur as readily as he used to and when he did, his remarks were more serious, with a harder edge to them.

Gwaine had assumed that Merlin was just tired. Since Arthur became king, Merlin’s workload had increased. He was constantly busy. If he wasn’t attending to Arthur at a meeting, then he was cleaning Arthur’s room, doing his laundry, polishing his armor, cleaning the stables, and helping Gaius who was having a harder time getting around in his old age.

He had no idea how Merlin kept up with everything and still had time to sleep. Unless he hadn't been sleeping. That could have been the cause of the change in his friend. But the thought didn’t sit right with him. No, there was something more to it. Merlin didn’t just seem tired, he seemed depressed.

The knight startled at the thought. Was Merlin depressed? If so, what could have caused it? His brow furrowed as he stared down at the stone floor, concentrating hard. When had he first noticed Merlin acting differently?

The first thought that came to mind was Lancelot’s death. But Merlin had still had an inspiring word and a smile after that. Even if he had seemed to be struggling a little at that point. That was only natural after losing a close friend.

But he seemed to get worse after Lancelot’s second death. Why was that? Was it merely losing his friend a second time? If he hadn't taken it that hard the first time, why would the second time affect him so much more? Was there more to it than that? Had Lancelot possibly known about Merlin’s lost love?

There had to be more to it than that. Something going on in Merlin’s world that Gwaine had failed to notice.

The knight set his jaw, lifting his head once more as he strode forward with a sense of urgency. If he wanted answers, he had to talk to Merlin. Making guesses wouldn’t do any good. It certainly wouldn’t show Gwaine how to help his friend. He had to find Merlin and get some answers.

He stopped as he came to the end of the corridor, realizing he was heading towards the physician’s chambers. But if he knew Merlin, he wouldn’t run to the first place people would think to look for him. So where would he be?

He turned around abruptly and headed in the opposite direction. He’d often found Merlin polishing Arthur’s armor when he was frustrated. He was probably in the armory now trying to distract himself from the memories of his lost love.

He passed Gaius in the hall, the old man probably on his way to find Merlin himself. The physician gave him an odd look as he passed, but Gwaine didn’t spare any time to explain the direction he was taking. After all, he wanted to find Merlin first, so if Gaius wanted to look in the wrong place, well, that was fine by him.

*************************

Gaius eyed Gwaine with a questioning gaze as they passed, raising an eyebrow at his back as the knight just kept walking. He shook his head as he turned to head to his chambers. Merlin had probably sent the knight away, wanting to be alone.

Merlin was like that. He liked to bear his burdens alone, not wanting to drag anyone down with him. It wasn’t the best way of dealing with things as it left a person trapped in their own mind, but then it was at times a good thing. It served to protect Merlin’s secret, to keep Merlin safe.

But he didn’t have to bear his load alone all the time. Not anymore. He could comfort Merlin. Because he hadn't the first time. He should have pressed for more details when it happened. He should have seen through the facade that Merlin fooled him into thinking was real. Seen through the mask that Merlin had worn.

And that was a thought. Merlin had worn that mask for so long. What else hid behind the mask he wore? Could he be suffering more than Gaius even imagined?

The man was a physician. He had seen many men who suffered from afflictions of the mind instead of the body. He’d seen knights who had been put through hell break down when the stress became too much. They’d just shut down suddenly one day when no one expected it.

These were men trained for battle, taught how to endure pain and torture, to stand steadfast against any enemy, no matter how great. Every day of their lives, they prepared for such things, mentally and physically, and yet. They still broke. They could all reach their limit.

Had Merlin reached his? As it was, Merlin had faced horrors that Camelot’s knights would know only as nightmares and myths. If the knights were put through hell then what ungodly place had Merlin been shoved into without any warning?

Was Merlin really just a piece of fractured pottery with a fresh coat of paint over it? A vase that looked sturdy, but would shatter at the slightest touch? Would it even be possible to save him? To fix him before he broke beyond repair?

Gaius’ heart ached at the thought. Merlin was special. He was like the son he never had. A son whom he had failed so completely. Guilt plagued his heart as the physician walked along the hallways slowly. It was taking him forever to reach Merlin. He knew he was getting old, but when had the castle become so big?

His joints ached as he set a faster pace, but he ignored the pain. Didn’t his body understand that it was important he get to his son?

*************************

Arthur paused as he rounded the corner down the hall from the Room of the Round Table, which was in actuality just an old storage room they’d repurposed. Gwen had selected it, claiming that it was more informal and cozy than any of the spacious dining halls. She had been right, of course, she usually was about such things.

Which meant she was probably right about him needing to find Merlin. The king sighed softly, leaning back against the wall. All he’d wanted was a night of hanging out with his friends and his wife with no magical dangers, kingly duties, or worries to speak of. Was that too much to ask? He didn’t think so.

Instead, he had a missing manservant, an angry knight, an irate wife, and a boatload of worry. All because he had made Merlin recite that poem. Why did he do that? Arthur was with his most trusted knights. He should have trusted them with the story of his father's ghost. So why hadn’t he told the truth?

Not that it mattered now. What mattered now was Merlin. That poem… Arthur was still having trouble processing that something so horrible had happened to Merlin of all people. Merlin never stopped talking, yet Arthur had never heard of any girl. Had it happened before Merlin came to Camelot? Had it happened when he lived here? How long ago was it since he had lost someone so dear in death? Had Merlin anyone to help him through it the way Arthur had Merlin to help him through the time after his father died?

The king shook his head. Dwelling on questions was not what he was supposed to be doing. It wasn’t what needed doing. Merlin didn’t need him asking questions and tearing open an old wound. What he needed was a friend, someone just to be there for him, whatever that meant for Merlin. If he wanted to talk then they would, if not then they could just sit together until Merlin felt better. Sometimes just having the presence of a friend nearby was what helped.

_‘I didn’t want you to feel that you were alone.’_

Arthur’s hand clenched into a fist, remembering just how much those words had meant to him. He wouldn’t forget that day. He wouldn’t forget that Merlin had been there for him when no one else had stood vigil for Uther that night.

He pushed away from the wall, berating himself for wasting time instead of finding Merlin faster. Now the only question was, where would Merlin be? He wouldn’t have gone to his room, that was too obvious. Arthur doubted he would be anywhere near the stables or the armory if he were this upset. No, there was only one place Merlin would go. The battlements.

Since Merlin came to the castle, Arthur had found him up there several times. He loved to look over the city when he was on break from his duties. If Arthur had to put money on a place where he’d find Merlin, it would be the battlements. They were quiet and mostly deserted, aside from the guard patrol. The perfect spot to get away from the world for a while.

Without wasting any more time, Arthur took to the stairs.

_I don’t want you to feel that you’re alone._

*************************

Gwaine had broken into a sprint as he reached the corridor the armory was on, skidding to a stop as he came to the door, wrenching it open quickly. “Merlin!” He called as he entered before looking around. “Merlin?”

The armory was empty, not a servant to be found among the swords and chainmail. Gwaine growled and swore quite emphatically as he punched the wall, swearing again as he shook his hand out. “Da- Merlin!” He shouted, leaving the armory.

Where would Merlin have gone to if not the armory? Perhaps to do Arthur’s laundry? No, the laundry room was usually too busy. He snapped his fingers. He had it! The stables! Turning, Gwaine made a mad dash down the hall.

*************************

Gaius paused for breath as he finally reached his chambers, winded from the quick pace he’d set. He straightened as he pushed open the door. “Merlin?” He called, making his way to Merlin’s room. “Merlin?” He pushed open the door and sighed. The room was entirely devoid of warlocks. Not even a single scrawny one in sight.

Gaius wearily sat down, considering what he should do. His mind said to go after him, to track him down, but his body strongly protested the idea. He had trouble just getting to his chambers, he wouldn’t be traipsing around the castle anymore that night. No, he’d just have to wait for Merlin to come to bed.

*************************

Arthur stepped out into the chilly air of the autumn night, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the dark. He walked along the wall, noting the guards that were on duty tonight. But they weren’t who he was looking for.

“Merlin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count - 1900. Oh ho ho. What's going to happen with that conversation? Who knows except the next chapter? ;) Kudos to whoever guessed Arthur! Whose POV did you think was best? Let me know and keep those glorious comments coming! I hope you all have a truly splendiferous day!


	6. Apology at the Battlements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He sat there silently, soaking up the quiet atmosphere until he couldn’t stand it any longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been way overdue! Things got out of hand in real life, got distracted with other stories, plus my computer was having problems... but I finally finished this chapter! Enjoy! No trigger warnings for this one.

Arthur frowned as he watched Merlin, the servant perched upon a merlon against one of the castle’s turrets. It wasn’t like he was moving, but it still seemed a dangerous spot for the clumsy servant to sit as his legs hung over the edge.

A slight tension in his servant’s shoulders seemed to be the only response he’d get. The king sighed inwardly and looked around. The guards seemed to be ignoring them. That was good because a king wasn’t supposed to do what Arthur was about to.

Arthur hiked a leg up onto one of the battlement’s crenels and climbed up onto the neighboring merlon. He shifted uneasily as his legs dangled over the precipice. It was a seriously long drop to the ground. He ignored the slight discomfort, glancing over at Merlin.

His friend was hunched in on himself slightly, arms crossed and held close to his body as he stared down at the flickering torches that lit the city streets with a dull glow, the light reflecting as a golden shine in Merlin’s eyes.

Unsure how to start a conversation, or if he even should, Arthur redirected his gaze to the city below. He watched as the nightly patrols walked through the streets, smiling in amusement when he saw the unmistakable hulk of Percival, the robust knight practically dwarfing the squire he’d been training.

He sat there silently, soaking up the quiet atmosphere until he couldn’t stand it any longer. He had to say something, to at least help Merlin relax and ease the tension in his shoulders. But he couldn’t just start with a question, he’d never get Merlin to relax that way. No, he had to choose a light topic, something that wouldn’t make Merlin feel like he was being pressured into explaining what just happened.

So what could he talk about? The weather was too cliche, Arthur would rather avoid politics, and Merlin had no interest in the knights’ training…

“It’s nice up here. Quiet.” He said, wincing inwardly at the awkward, stilted way the words came out.

But thankfully, it seemed to do the trick as Merlin huffed, not a laugh per se, but a noise of mild amusement nonetheless. “That’s barely a step up from the weather.” Merlin murmured, though Arthur couldn’t feel bad when he saw a ghost of a smile pass over his friend’s face.

Arthur didn’t even question how Merlin knew what he was thinking. The servant always had a knack for being able to read him, a talent that Arthur sometimes possessed as well… Like, well, like earlier when he knew Merlin didn’t want to recite anything…

And Arthur had pushed him into it, had taunted him, and used his position over Merlin to pressure him into reciting that poem. Not that it was Arthur’s fault that Merlin chose that particular poem… Except that it probably was because Merlin most likely didn’t know any others.

Guilt, sharp and bitter, stabbed at his chest, urging- no, demanding that Arthur set things right. Part of him wanted to object, to insist that he was well within his rights as the king to order his servant to entertain him, but that was a part of him that had gotten him into this mess in the first place. That was part of him that had been bred into him from birth by his father, but he’d learned in his life that king or no, there were certain things that friends just shouldn’t do to each other.

“Look, about earlier-” Arthur nearly stopped when he saw Merlin tense, but pushed on, needing to say his piece. “You don’t have to say anything, just- I’m sorry.” The king had to look away from the blatant surprise in Merlin’s eyes. “I shouldn’t have pushed you to recite. I should have just told the others what actually happened that night." Arthur sighed. "It was unfair of me, but I just couldn't do it. I don't know why-"

“I do.” Merlin interrupted, cutting off Arthur’s rambling apology. The king turned his head back to Merlin, watching as his servant stared up at the stars. He’d moved from his curled position, leaning back on his hands as they gripped the back edge of the merlon, his head tilted back as he gazed into the night sky.

"You did it because you're still the new king. You feel like everyone in the kingdom is just waiting for you to make a mistake. And they are, some of them at least. But not all of them. Not us." Merlin looked over at him with a slight smile on his face. "Because we know that you will make a mistake. Realistically every king does, Arthur. But Gaius, Gwen, the knights, we all know that when you do make a mistake, you will do your best to correct it and ensure it doesn't happen again. And we'll be there to support you when you do."

Arthur stared at the servant, a slight pinch in his brow. What Merlin said was the truth, but still, Arthur knew that he could trust his friends with his mistake to use the horn. After all, when he had killed King Caerleon, they had all stood by him through the consequences.

So why did it feel so different this time?

Merlin dropped his gaze and looked back at the town below them. "I understand your other reason too. Uther was not the best king, but he was your father. I understand that you'd rather no one knew of what he did."

Arthur's chest ached as Merlin once more hit the nail right on the head. He hadn't wanted anyone to know of the happenings with his father. In truth, he'd been attempting to avoid thinking about it at all. The betrayal from his father had hurt him more than he liked to admit. Still, that wasn't a valid excuse for treating Merlin as if the man was nothing more than a servant.

“I still should have listened when you said you couldn’t recite.” Arthur murmured, looking down at the town now.

  
  
Merlin laughed. “There have been many times you should have listened to me. Prat.” He said, fondly shaking his head.

Arthur looked over at him, his chest feeling a little lighter at Merlin’s laugh. He nodded quietly. “I probably should try doing so more often.”

Merlin glanced at him and huffed softly, though he didn’t comment.

The two sat quietly for a while, Merlin shifting to look at the stars again and Arthur looking back to check on the guard patrol. It was only when the silence and his curiosity grew too overpowering that Arthur dared to ask.

“What was her name?”

A few seconds passed before Merlin answered with a quiet whisper.

“Freya.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count - 1128. Merlin on a merlon, I just couldn't resist. XD I feel like they're a bit too ooc in this chapter, but not to the point where I felt the need to rewrite it. So what do you think will happen next? Will Arthur find out he killed Merlin's love? Will Gaius be asleep by the time Merlin comes to bed? Will Gwaine ever figure out where Merlin is, or is he doomed to search the castle all night to no avail? Stay tuned to find out!
> 
> P.S. Thank you for all the reads, kudos, comments, bookmarks, and subscriptions I got on the last chapter! I love you all so much for them! <3


	7. Wise Words and Tender Kisses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you learned that a friend had lost someone close to them and never told you about it, what would you do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, kings and warlocks! I have a new chapter for you! I hope you enjoy this one! No TWs to speak of.

It was quiet as the king rested his elbows on the battlement’s wall, looking up at the stars that dusted the dark night sky. Merlin had headed off for bed some time ago, but Arthur hadn’t retreated to his chambers yet. He was tired, exhausted really, but he didn’t think he’d be able to sleep. Not with so many thoughts running through his head, so many questions that were left unanswered. He sighed and turned around, sinking down to the floor and leaning against the wall as he rubbed his hands over his face tiredly.

“Is there anything I can do for you, Sire?”

The deep voice had Arthur dropping his hands to see one of the castle’s guards. It was Maurice, one of the elder guards, who had inquired of him. The king had fond memories of this particular guard, who had been assigned as Arthur’s personal protection as a boy. The guard was indulgent, kind, and caring. Together the two would steal pies from the castle kitchen and sneak into the kennels to play with the puppies. He had been Arthur’s refuge for the longest time before Uther had decided Arthur was old enough to start training as a knight, and his mentor took Maurice’s place.

Maybe his old guardian would have some insight that would be useful.

“Maurice, if you learned that a friend had lost someone close to them and never told you about it, what would you do?” Arthur asked, a troubled look on his face as he looked up at the sentry.

“I assume we’re talking about your manservant, Merlin?” Maurice questioned for clarification.

Arthur’s eyes widened in surprise. There’d been a shift change since Merlin left, so he couldn’t have seen the two together.

Maurice chuckled at the surprise on Arthur’s face. “Please, Arthur. Everyone knows how fond you are of the boy. It is no secret that he is your friend as well as your servant.”

Arthur glanced away and cleared his throat. “Yes, well. It is Merlin.”

Maurice nodded and moved to sit down next to Arthur, the man surprisingly agile for his age. He crossed his legs and stared out at the torches that spanned each wall of the battlements. “Well, Sire, I suppose if it was my friend, I’d try to give him whatever support I could. I’d watch him, look for signs that he’s struggling, and do what I could to ease that struggle.”

That made sense. But what about what Gwaine had said? What if it was his fault? “What if… What if you think it might be your fault?”

The guard turned his head at that, tilting it quizzically. “Your fault, my lord? What do you mean?”

“One of my knights, Sir Gwaine, seems to think that it’s somehow my fault. That I had something to do with it. But I don’t know anything about it, so I don’t see how it could relate to me at all.” Arthur explained.

"Ah, I see." He hummed thoughtfully. “I suppose the straightforward course of action would be to ask him whether you were involved,” Maurice answered, making Arthur wince slightly.

“I don’t think he wants to talk about it.”

“Then I suppose you’ll just have to wait until he does want to talk about it.” The sentry said, a kind smile on his face. “Let him choose when you talk. If you ask a question and he seems uncomfortable, back off. When he’s ready, he’ll give you an answer.”

Arthur hummed lowly, thinking the man’s words over. They were simple, but wise, and helped to put his worries to rest, at least temporarily. He looked to the man and smiled, clapping a hand on his shoulder. “Thank you, Maurice.” He stood up and offered the man a hand, pulling him to his feet. “I appreciate your help.”

Maurice bowed slightly. “My pleasure, Sire. Anytime.”

Arthur nodded and turned to leave before turning back for a moment. “Oh, Maurice. Just Arthur is fine.”

The guard’s wrinkled face broke into a wide grin, and he acknowledged the king with a tilt of his head. “Goodnight then, Arthur.”

A soft smile lit the young king’s face. “Goodnight, Maurice.”

*************************

Arthur crept quietly into the queen’s chambers, deciding to forgo his own empty bed for the night. All the talk and thinking of lost loves had him longing to hold his own love in his arms. To reassure himself that his wife was safe and sound. He undressed, trying to make as little noise as possible and slipped under the covers.

“Mmm… Did you find him?” Guinevere mumbled as her husband pressed himself to her back and wrapped a strong arm around her.

Arthur smiled and nodded as he nosed into her thick curls and breathed in, the smell of her lavender hair oil soothing him. “Mmhm.”

“And everything’s okay?” She asked. 

"Mmhm." Arthur hummed, eyes closed and body relaxing into the mattress.

Gwen laughed softly and turned around in his hold, her hand reaching up to run her fingers through Arthur's hair. "Arthur, I want to know how it went."

He sighed and opened an eye to look at her. "It's practically morning, Guinevere. Can't it wait?"

He groaned at the expectant look he got in answer and rolled over onto his back, running a hand over his face. "It went as well as can be expected, I guess. He accepted my apology, and then he went to bed."

“...And that’s it?” She asked, raising her eyebrows. “You’ve been gone for hours, Arthur. There has to be more than that. Didn’t he tell you anything about her?”

The king paused, considering if he should tell his wife what Merlin had told him. Then again, Merlin hadn’t said much of anything, just her name. It couldn’t hurt to let Gwen know a mere name, could it?

“He told me her name was Freya, but I don’t think he really wanted to talk.” Arthur murmured, taking her hand. “I don’t think we should push, Gwen. Merlin will tell us about it when he’s ready.” He told her, propping himself up on his elbow as he turned to look at her properly.

Gwen nodded silently, squeezing his hand back and curling closer to him, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Arthur smiled and pulled her closer, moving onto his back again and kissing her head tenderly as she laid it on his chest. “I love you.” He whispered, his thumb rubbing lightly over her hip where his hand rested.

“I love you too.” Gwen yawned as she settled back down, already falling asleep.

Arthur chuckled, a soft, amused smile on his face as he pulled the blankets higher, tucking them around his wife. “Goodnight.” He whispered, kissing his sleeping chosen one last time before he closed his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word Count - 1133. I don't know about you, but I think Arthur is adorable when he's sleepy. Also, the next chapter will be in Merlin's POV, so be sure to stick around for that when it comes out! What do you think Merlin's thoughts on all of this are? We haven't heard much from the warlock in this story yet. Will he have a confrontation with Gaius back at their chambers or will Gwaine finally find him? Will Merlin seek solace or continue to wallow in his grief by himself? Let me know what you think!
> 
> Check out my [tumblr](https://ohanahoku-ao3.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> Word Count - 932 Next chapter will have Merlin's poem! I hope you all enjoyed this chapeter, let me know if you did! It's my first time writing with these characters, so I hope I did them justice! :DArth


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